i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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