clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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