I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
