I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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