Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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