My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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