census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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