I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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