My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
