If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
