The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
