My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
