pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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