I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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