she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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