im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
