is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
