Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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