Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
