So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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