non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
