just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize