Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
