the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
