I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
NoShamevember. You game?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
