I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I know her cup size but not her name....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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