So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
