saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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