so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Send help, water and tortillas.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
