i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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