So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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