i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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