i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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