nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i think i have two assholes
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
