My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
