just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
