Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
