At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
