mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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