we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
