I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
