I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
