you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
