They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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