there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
