i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
