You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
