the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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