I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
