Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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