Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
