i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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