if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize