Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
