We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
