My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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